As a child I sat here. I entertained myself here, and I entertained others. As I aged my visits became rare. I enjoyed my first kiss sitting here. My mother died here protecting her rights. Through college I sang here for a living. I proposed to my wife here. I wrote all of my books here, and I have suffered through all emotions right here. Now, my wife has died, and I have been forgotten. I return to this bench with pleasure, I see its rotted exterior and I realize that as it dies, I die. I sit on the bench and close my eyes; I have fallen into a final rest. |
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Comments
--
"A man's home is his coffin" - Al Bundy
--
I'm me
Sometimes you have to play with the third side of the card, although you can't see one card turned on its third side by itself; you can when you put the deck together. Then you win.
Come visit heaven.
[link]
Only thing I would suggest working on is your usage of commas and maybe placing a semi-colon where a coma has been place.
Examples:
As a child I sat here.
to
As a child, I sat here.
or
I sat here as a child. (I like this one best. The other two are slightly awkward, although I see why you do them, because that sentence structure is a theme in the rest of your short story. If that's what you were looking for, I'd suggest using the comma)
I return to this bench with pleasure, I see its rotted exterior and I realize that as it dies, I die.
to
I return to this bench with pleasure; I see its rotted exterior and I realize that as it dies, I die.
Also, while the end is really good, I think it could be better with a select choice in words. Like, instead of "I have fallen into a final rest," you could try "I shut my eyes and fall asleep." We can already tell the man is dying, reinforcing it in the last line seems like overkill, but that's my opinion.
Good luck in the competition, by the way. I entered as well.
--
I'm me
Sometimes you have to play with the third side of the card, although you can't see one card turned on its third side by itself; you can when you put the deck together. Then you win.
Come visit heaven.
[link]
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